Post 18

A few weeks later…

(SPEAKING AS 3ATHBA!)

Depression. It's something all of us face at a certain point of time. You have a family that cares about you, perhaps friends that care? But we won't notice that until it's gone. 

Feeling alone. Yeah it sucks. Being lonely? The worst.. But are we really alone? I know I'm not, I have God, a family, good friends but then why am I feeling alone? I guess I'm just lonely.

I have this strange idea that the person I'm supposed to end up with, in other words my soulmate isn't gonna be anyone I know. And that person is gonna flip my life upside down but in a good way. That person isn't 3aboud (My cousin if you have forgotten), I don't think it's Thamer either but who knows?

I was chilling bil 9ala, talking to Dalia on the phone.

I was complaining to her that it's been a month and madry 3an 3aboud. Ba6 chabdy. 

Dalia: Is he using twitter?

Me: No!! Agoulich madry 3ana completely bas I asked my mom chan itgoul ina he's fine ya3ny mafy shay!

Dalia: Yimkin he didn't want to say goodbye 3ashan mayza3lich

Me: That's not an excuse, ya3ny chithe a7san? MAdry 3ana wela uhwa yadry 3any -.-

Dalia: 9a7

Me: Agoul

Dalia: goulay

Me: Thamer mitghayir 3alaich wela bas ana?

Dalia: haw mafy shay

Me: Madry shfee, he's acting weird..

Dalia: laaa bil 3aks 

Me: tadreen shgaly the other day?

Dalia: shinu?

Me: Ina fee wa7da "fara rasa" min last year, and I don't think it's Raghad anymore

Dalia: hmm madry wallah, fee mara fakartay ina yimkin bas yimkin he likes you?

Me: La I like him as a brother bas.

I honestly don't know if I like him as a brother or more, I just don't know what I'm feeling anymore, this is so confusing. 

Dalia: mhmm

Me: Adry matabeeny ayeeb il6ary.. bas we've been avoiding it or 2 weeks, how are you feeling?

Dalia: I'm okay

Me: Nasser magalich shay?

Dalia: Nope, nothing. 

Me: 7asa begoul shay

Dalia: madry 3ana, yala I have to goo adig 3alaich later!!

Me: yala okay

I was checking my timeline on twitter, and guess what I find? 3aboud tweeted

Should I DM him? hmm…

7mar I hate staring conversations bas this is a special case.

DM's (Word for word this is what happened) :

Me: You broke your promise yal maleeeq

Him: sorry :( how are you?

Me: 7adyy za3lana 3alaik

Him sorry :*

Me: update me from time to time fahim?

Him: you too okay? whatsapp me!

Me: ma3aref your american number

Him: ga3d asta3mil ra8my ilkwaity 

Whatsapp convo continued…

Him: Hala walah

Me: 3abooud :D shlounik?

Him: goood:* u?

Me: good il7imdellah

Him: il7imdellah

Me: ga3d itshid 7ailik?

Him: eee akeed!

Me: shloun ilbanaat? ;)

Him: Maly shighul feehum, you're the only one I want in my life :p

Me: 3ayaaar =))

Him: Why don't you believe me?

Me: cause kila blondies and I know you love blondies ;)

Him: bas I love you more =))

Me: kaalb wallah I miss you! anyways mithil magitlik gabel.. deerbalik minhum

( I've heard a looot of stories taht ajanib trick arab guys just to use them and their money…)

Him: Adry bas tara you're the only one on my mind so :p

Me: yeah rightt =))

Uhwa chithe wayed yistahbil

Him: afaaa laish you don't believe me :p

Me: lanik na9aaab :)

Him: la 9ij I rather be with you than anyone here :p

Me: wain rab3ik?-.-

Him: mawjudeen

Me: china giltly ina fee kuwaitiyat

Him: fee bas intay a7la wallah

Me: 9ayer mghazelchy 3aboud =))

Him: looool aadry 

Me: ma3alaih ana inshallah next year aqadim :D

Him: seriously? :o If you come I'll be so happy

Me: madry, I'm considering it

Him: inzain a7ibich shasawi?

Me: I love you too brother from another mother

Him: looool :p

Me: shinu your major?

Him: you're my major :p

Me: ilthaher wayed im2threen 3alaik ily ihnak -.-

Him: laaish?

Me: 9ayer wayed flirty shinu imsaween feek? :p

Him: it's cause I have feelings for you

Me: yeahh right

Him: the problem is if I said I do, we can't do anything about it lain atkharaj, 6ab3an itha re6'aitay, wallah I would be so happy

yistahbil? Maynoun wallah. a3tibra okhouy! Nothing more nothing less. Itha he's planning yakh6ibny laman yitkharaj 7adaa ghal6an! Eww okhouy w raby ;s Wayed banat yitmanouna bas mu anaaa eww I can't even picture us together :&

Me: I think you're confused, I don't think you like me..

Him: what if I do?? walah jad?

Me: madry

Him: walah madry laish a7is if I'm honest you'll be different around me

Me: I won't be different just tell me the truth

Him: would you give me a chance?

Me: A chance to do what?

Him: to be together 

Him:?

Me: you know I don't want that, tawny 9gheera I don't want to think about this min al7een

Him: Adry, and I didn't talk to anyone from the family yet, I just want you to wait

Me: hmm

Him: I'll wait for you laman titkharijain akh6ibich. You make me feel happy 

Me: I know and I trust you too bas that's just cause we grew up together.

Him: And I trust you

Me: 3aboud inkamil this conversation in a bit, I have a tutor.

Him: okay when ur done tell me

I really did have a tutor, thank GOD. That was so overwhelming in7a6ait ib mawqif khara! Why'd he do that to me? All those years ana 7a6a ib baly ina yadry that I love him as a brother. What's bothering me is that itha yaby yakh6ibny 9ij and I said no it would cause problems within the family. 

I switched off my phone, malekhulga.

From feeling lonely to being really pissed. I'm so frustrated, dealing with an idiotic cousin and juggling with school work. Thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking of it really does suck. Everyone around me is in love or atleast trying to be, maybe even pretending to be. In my opinion, it's pointless in this age. Everyone wants to experience a love story, I know I do, but would it last? In this society? I find that very difficult to believe, but who knows? اللي الله كاتبه بصير انشاءالله… قدر الله وما شاء فعل